Old Beginnings
If your New Year’s went anything like mine, it didn’t involve friends, food, cocktails, or a celebratory countdown to midnight. No, instead of bringing in the clean slate of 2022 with energy and expectation, I was curled up in bed sick and, a few days later, that’s still where I am (though, thankfully, not as sick).
Part of me was disappointed. I love a good, fresh start. There’s something that just feels right about creating new beginnings at the dawn of a new day, new week, new month, new year… It’s the kind of feeling you get from crawling into a freshly made bed with freshly washed sheets – fresh, clean, and right in some magical way.
So the fact that I didn’t get to ring in the new year with this kind of purposeful start was a bit of a bummer. The Type A part of me felt like I missed my chance at rebooting some life rhythms I know will be good for my wellness. Because if I didn’t start them up on day one, is it even worth it now that I can’t have a perfect track record? (Any other all-or-nothing folks feel me?) I’ve let this feeling stop or stall me before. Because of my love of fresh starts, I can sometimes hold off starting a new hobby or habit till what feels like the “right” time. This can look like waiting for a new week before I start waking up earlier to have time to read and write. Or like not prioritizing moving my body for energy till the next month so I can have a “good” track record for an entire month. It’s silly, I know, but I can’t believe that I’m the only one guilty of holding back for the sake of a clean, fresh start.
Let me add a caveat, because New Years can often be used as an excuse to be too harsh on ourselves. Personally, I’m not a believer in the “new year, new you!” hype that we see and hear this time every year. I don’t think it’s kind to ourselves to set unrealistic and unhealthy goals shaped by society’s standards of what we and our lives should look like. I say, new year, same you, because you are a wonderful presence in this world.
But I do believe in good growth and intentional change. I believe that a full life involves exploring new parts of ourselves and the world around us, living from a place of curiosity and openness. There’s a quote I love that says, “How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives” (Annie Dillard). It’s so simple and yet so true. This grand thing we called life is a puzzle made up of individual days and moments that all come together to create a complete image. Every single day we live through has significance in the overall picture of who we are.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this means that there’s no space for watching Netflix or reading the day away. I am a low-capacity human who needs her down time to relax and recharge. But I also know from experience that it is too easy to spend a day wishing I was somewhere else or even someone else. Or to miss a moment because I’m too busy thinking about the next one. So I wait and waste time thinking about the type of wife, friend, daughter, teacher I want to be without doing anything about it.
This precious life can often feel boring and unimportant a lot of the time, but the truth is that there is nothing boring or unimportant about us and our place in this world.
But another truth is, I’m tired. I’m still sick. I’m not ready to create a new beginning and implement some of the change I want to see for myself this year. And that’s ok.
Maybe you find yourself in a similar position, feeling like you missed your chance to start that habit, or like you don’t have the energy right now to even think about growth. And that’s ok. It is ok if you’re not starting the new year off with high energy and higher hopes.
Because, later, when you have space to breathe and think and dream – even if it’s in the middle of a day or the end of a month – you are allowed to claim that moment as your own.
May you give yourself grace to grow this year – how you need to, not how you feel you should; when you are able to, not when you feel you must. May old beginnings become the sacred place we return to time and time again.
