New Year, Renewed Hope

I see it, feel it.

The unrest and pain permeating the human experience for a lot of us right now. The exhaustion from the new normal we have all been navigating for almost two years. The Christmas that has come and gone and maybe wasn’t full of the cheer and merriment we were promised. In a season marketed as being “the most wonderful time of the year,” many of us have been left feeling worn thin, disappointed, and disillusioned. We bought the gifts, wore the matching pjs, baked the festive pastries. But instead of feeling fulfilled we’re left wanting… more. Some of us still weren’t able to celebrate with friends and family the way we had hoped or planned to. Or, we were home for the holidays, but home is a hard place to be because of the expectations we no longer, or maybe never, fit. If we’re one of the lucky ones, this holiday season was filled with the joy and laughter we craved, but as we sit on the other side we’re left exhausted. Regardless, all of us now find ourselves facing the gaping unknown of yet another new year.

A new year. How can it already be here?

I know that (as the eloquent High School Musical lyrics go) we’re all in this together. That much of what we go through at an individual level is experienced by others, like how many of us have shared some version of the Christmas season depicted above. Or the disbelief that another wall calendar is set to expire sooner than we realized. Even so, our daily lives can feel isolating, especially during the holidays. What is supposed to be the most perfect time of the year feels empty and lacklustre instead and it’s easy to assume that we experience these feelings alone. When you add social media into the mix we can find ourselves getting sucked further and further into the vortex of comparison and inadequacy. Our thumbs get tired as we spend more time than we care to admit scrolling through post after post depicting the perfect family, the perfect gift, the perfectly decorated house that looks so effortless for them but so unattainable for us. It can be hard to remember that the people on the other end of those photos likely are feeling or have felt similarly.

Friend, if that is how you’re feeling, you are not alone.

You are not alone in your languishing and apathy. You’re not alone in the post-holiday crash. And you are certainly not the only one feeling guilt or shame for feeling whatever you’re feeling.

Isn’t it funny (not in the ha-ha, funny way, but an ironic, I-wish-this-was-different kind of way) how quickly we try to correct our feelings? We attempt to force our way into what we think we “should” be feeling, shifting quickly from “I feel worn out” to “I shouldn’t feel that! I should be exuberant that my family is celebrating together, especially because I know some people weren’t able to.” Feelings of dread about another year here trigger thoughts like, “I should be excited about a clean slate. And I should really stick to my resolutions this year. My goals aren’t the problem, I am.” And the list goes on. For every uncomfortable feeling (anger, sorrow, envy, etc.) we unconsciously try to cover them up with the “should” that we wish was our internal reality. Because what kind of person are we if we feel this ugly way?

The human kind, that’s what kind of person you are.

The human kind of person who has complex emotions affected by complex situations coloured by messy interactions other complex humans. In case you don’t catch my drift, this whole human thing is really complicated. And when you add a thick layer of holiday expectations and new year’s hopes and dreams to top it all off, it gets even more convoluted.

If you find yourself in a messy, complicated, complex space, welcome. You are welcome here in all your chaotic glory.

Perhaps this space – this unsure, unknown space where it feels like we are tilting and wilting from unanswered questions and unvoiced longings; perhaps this is where we can find ourselves this new year.

If you are your next project, waiting to be conquered, cleaned up, and concealed, I’d encourage you to revisit your new year’s resolutions.

Because you, dear friend, are not a mistake.

Who you are – tired, worried, hyperactive, depressed, forgetful, sensitive, caring, disciplined, Type A, disorganized… Who you are, how you are, is not a mistake.

Perhaps this is the year we decide to believe that.

Instead of making lists of how we should act, look, eat, or feel, what if we made space to be and explore. Instead of detoxing and following fads, what if we filled our minds with kind words and our hearts with soft reassurance. Instead of trying to minimize and erase discomfort, what if we learned to have hard conversations and apologize well.

Instead of forcing yourself to shrink to the size of an impossible one-size-fits-all mold, what if you allowed yourself space and time to expand, to reach, to grow.

I hope you do. I hope you learn to love yourself the way those around you love you. I hope you begin to see your flaws as a part of you to hold gently instead of something to dispose of and hide away.

I hope that this new year you have space to be messy and complex and beautiful and full of grit.

Because there’s a lot of life to be found here on the messy ground. With dirt between our toes and hope deep in our souls.

May this new year be one of hope for you.