An Honest Reflection: The Heart Behind “To Belong”

I struggle a lot with this blog of mine.

Each time I sit down to write I’m accosted with my inner dialogue. What do I have to say? Are my words of any consequence? Why does my voice matter? Why should other people choose to read my posts? Am I too repetitive? Maybe I should stop being silly and asking people to read my words.

And yet.

And yet, here I am again, sitting down to write in spite of that voice that tells me I shouldn’t; here I am posting again after an unplanned hiatus that I wasn’t sure I’d come back from. I told myself I wasn’t writing because I didn’t have a laptop (which was true over the summer). But the reality is, I stopped because I felt insecure, uninspired, and vulnerable. Writing is a vulnerable act; you put your thoughts out there in the world to be seen, heard, and judged by others. Or, perhaps even worse in some instances, you put yourself out there and no one even cares.

So why do I do it?

Because I can’t not. I have always loved the power of words, the beauty and heartache and truth they can harness and communicate. Another particular draw for me is the control they offer. I was pretty shy growing up and would still consider myself to be someone who struggles with social anxiety. I’m the person replaying a conversation days after it took place, thinking about all the ways I could have been less awkward. I often feel flustered and unsure of my words in conversations, even with people I’m close to. When I write, though, I get to control my narrative, shape my thoughts into something cohesive and coherent enough to feel worthy of sharing. When I write, I feel like I can finally settle my flustered thoughts into something that makes sense and feels worth hearing.

But even here on this blog, part of the way I’ve maintained that control is by keeping what I write about at an arms-length. I shy away from including what I might really feeling or going through in the moment. Because it’s easier that way. It’s easier to feel like I can pick and choose what parts of me others get to see. And to a certain extent, I think that’s healthy online, or at least it is for me. I’m someone who needs time to process what I’m feeling and experience before I feel ready to share, and that’s okay. But at a certain point, I decided to choose how raw to be, how honest to make my work here.

During my time away from this space I’ve been wrestling with that idea of showing up with honesty and integrity. Nothing I’ve written has been dishonest, but nothing I’ve written has been very raw. I’ve applied a filter to each of my pieces, a sieve made up of other people’s understanding and expectations of me. I’ve used it to pick and choose what makes it through into the final piece, deleting and reworking words until they are honest, yes, but also constrained. Safe. Incomplete.

And I’m kind of done with that.

Moving forward, I still don’t plan on sharing every detail about my life. Honestly, I don’t think it would be that interesting. But as I’ve deconstructed, reworked, and continue to rebuild my understanding of myself, others, and the world around me, I’ve become more and more discontent with my somewhat shallow approach to writing. A lot of my life has been spent playing a part others expect of me and as I’ve shed those expectations in my everyday life, I want to do so online as well.

When I started this blog late last year I settled on the name “To Belong” because that’s all I’ve ever really wanted in life – to feel like I belong. I’ve spent many years feeling like an outsider, feeling like my belonging was tentative and precarious. It’s honestly a really shitty thing to feel. And I figured that if I’ve felt that way, that if I have a deep desire to know and feel like I belong, others must too.

So, moving forward, while I can’t tell you exactly what this space will look like, I can promise you this – you belong here. Whatever race, religion, sexuality, gender identity: you are welcome and belong here, wholly and completely. And I am also certain that this is a space where I hope to continue cultivating open, honest, and inclusive dialogue. Because life is messy. Because we live in a culture that preaches that truth exists in black and white binaries, but our lived experiences tell us otherwise.

Because, what more human desire could we have than to belong, as we are, for who we are?

So friend, as silly as I feel making this choice to take up space with my thoughts and words, I hope you know and trust the intention behind them. I write here partially because I simply love writing. But mostly, I write because I deeply want each of you to know that you, your voice, your story matter and belong too.