How To Say No And Claim Your Yes

Do you ever feel like your life is passing by too quickly? Like you just can’t quite make space for the parts that you actually care about and instead find yourself tangled up in obligations that drain you?

I do. I look up, I realize that how I’m spending my days is not in fact how I want to spend my life, and I remember: as much as we want it to, life won’t stop and our days won’t have more hours in them and nothing changes if nothing changes.

And, nothing changes if we don’t stop. Become still. Slow down long enough to breathe and parse out what gives us life and what tears us down. And then, we say yes to life and no to a slow death of shoulds and should nots.

I’ve come to believe that it’s as simple as that – what gives me life? Choose more of that. What isn’t aligned with my values and the vision I have for my life? Eliminate as much as I can.

Although it might be that simple, it certainly isn’t easy. It’s been a journey to get to this point where I’m no longer interested in scheduling my life around what I feel like I “should” be doing or who I believe others think I “should” be. I know the struggle of saying yes, yes, yes, in the hopes that if I do enough, become enough for enough people, maybe then I’ll find the belonging and security I’m searching for.

But that didn’t work, doesn’t work. Instead, us “yes” folk are worn thin and wrung dry, left with little emotional capacity for ourselves, the people we love, and the parts of life we’re actually interested in.

If that’s how you feel today, you’re welcome here. And I want to tell you – you are allowed to say no.

And you are allowed to let “no” be a full sentence.

Let that sink in. That one small, two-letter word, “no” can be a full sentence. That’s hard to believe, though. I often feel like if I’m saying no to something, I’d better have a good reason ready to share. Because if I feel like I can’t justify my “no,” saying no must not be the right thing to do. So, I should say yes because that’s just what I should do because that’s what someone else would think I should do too.

These shame-filled shoulds that echo in our heads are often fueled by obligation. As people who don’t live in solitary confinement, we are surrounded by other people’s expectations. Some of these are fair and spoken, others unfair and unspoken. But in any combination, we often feel obligated to meet those expectations, because what other option do we have? This can especially be true if we’ve had (or have) relationships that made us feel like other people’s feelings are ours to deal with. So, we may as well go along with it all and avoid the confrontation and discomfort.

My friend, other people’s emotions are not yours to carry. Full stop. How someone reacts to you protecting your values is not your responsibility. That’s not to say we get to be irresponsible, insensitive, or unkind. But if we are taking care of ourselves and part of that is saying no, we are not responsible for the disappointment other people might feel in response to our boundaries.

You are allowed to say no to going through life beholden to other people’s expectations.

You are also allowed to choose to live in freedom rather than indebted to insecurity. You are allowed to say no when you need and want to instead of feeling like your relationships are dependent on your obligated yes. It’s so hard though. It’s so, so hard to believe you and your hopes are worth it. That you are worth making space for. That you are worth standing up for. But you are.

I feel like I’m saying the same thing over and over again at this point. “You’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to say no, you’re allowed to say no…” But I’m repeating myself because I want you to hear it so badly. I know what it feels like to live out of obligation and insecurity instead of making my own choices, claiming what I know will be good for me. I’m familiar with the internal dialogue that shames us and belittles our needs.

So I will say it again, we are allowed to say no. You are allowed to say no.

Because when we say no intentionally and freely, we can freely say yes to life.

If you are in a place of learning to say no so that you can explore and protect your yes, I’d invite you to do a few things. First, take some time to think through what you might be saying yes to out of obligation or insecurity. This might look like making a list, mentally or on paper. Or it might involve having a conversation with a close friend. But take time to name the parts of your life that are draining rather than aligning with what you value or want.

Then, dream. Dream and hope and think about what you actually want. This can sometimes be even harder, especially if we haven’t given ourselves space to dream about our own life before. As uncomfortable as it may feel, think about what you value. What roots your life and moves you through your days? Visualize what you enjoy. What activities, people, and passions bring you life and joy?

And finally, say no. Start with little things or big things, but practice saying no when you need to or want to.

May we learn to guard our “yes” with so much care that the “no” we choose makes us smile, because we know that space it gives brings life.